by Susan Gilbert http://www.getclass.org/tips-from-our-faculty/
I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better :Six Practical Principles to Empower Others to Solve Their Own Problems While Enriching Your Relationships
-Gary and Joy Lundberg
(This Blog is a Book Review/Recommendation for anyone who wants to improve all relationships. The book came out in 2000, and is still the most powerful and useful presentation of the nature of human emotions I have ever read and I have used it for years in therapy and in my own personal life.)
When you finally learn how emotions work, and you stop trying to control them in yourself and others, life becomes much easier—and it makes a whole lot more sense.
One reviewer on Amazon talks about how powerful it was for him to realize that he could let others come up with their own answers, and just validate their emotions. The powerful realization came to him that when you allow people to feel their emotions, and just validate them, YOU CANNOT BE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED!!! He says in his review that he feels like he’s just come out of a coma….
I spent $175 this month on a class on Emotional Manipulation—a class for therapists. The summary is—when you stop trying to manage or control other peoples’ emotions, they cannot manipulate you. Feelings are just feelings. They come and go. They are based on what we believe is happening, and on our past experiences. Emotions are floods of chemicals that flow through our bodies—if you just wait awhile, the emotion (chemical flow) subsides. What people really want from you is empathy and understanding.
The message a person gets when you listen and validate the emotion is “You’re an important person, and I’m here for you.” Try giving yourself permission to be human and have human emotions. It’s wonderful. “Even though I totally screwed up my project (marriage, life, etc.), I’m a student of life, learning and growing, and I deeply love and respect myself.” You’ll be surprised how quickly negatives dissolve, and great ideas and solutions start coming to you.
Read the book! It could change your life…
-Susan
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